Reflecting...

...Thinking back a year ago, we had just been referred to our Reproductive Endocrinologist and I was so scared of what we might find out. We had already been "trying" to have a baby for 6 months and we knew something was definitely not right. There were so many steps and tests we had to do before we could even get an official diagnosis or start any treatments. Every appointment I just prayed that the best possible news would come. I already assumed that I was dealing with PCOS, but I prayed it was just that...that we didn't have to worry about low ovarian reserve, blocked tubes, uterine deformities, or poor semen. I remember in April when all the diagnostic parts of the process were over and we sat with the doctor to go over everything and formulate a plan. I remember him specifically showing us the "stats"...that with no medical treatment we had a 0-2% chance of getting pregnant on our own- to IVF which was a 35% chance, that we had a 50% higher chance of miscarriage. Of course there are so many factors that play into those percentages (number of eggs, hormone levels, etc.). I don't share those to be dramatic, but when I reflect back on that conversation I remember being truly devastated. I sobbed the whole way back to our car and the whole way home.  Later that night when the shock wore off a little, I was able to put life back in perspective (which I will explain in a moment)...not that this was easy...and I definitely had to repeat this process often as I became discouraged when cycles didn't work and we still weren't pregnant. I am so thankful for my bible study at the time (One in a Million), my husband, and a few close friends & family who listened, supported, prayed, and encouraged us along the way.

There are many things I carry with me today- lessons I've learned and try to remember daily. Lessons God taught & continues to teach me, things I would never have learned if it were not for the heartache and blessings infertility brings you. All things that helped me keep my persepctive...

1. God is in control. Ouch, this is the one that hurt the most. I've mentioned before I'm a control freak, right?

2. His will not mine. I eventually was got to a point where I was okay with His plan for us...whether that be a child of our own, adoption, or a life with no kids. I felt content with what was ahead because I knew I had Jesus, and I knew I had a husband who loved me.

3. He is bigger than any statistic, any doctor, ANYTHING! Ultimately it is our Creator who creates. And it is up to him on whether or not he brings life into this world. If God wanted us to be parents, he would provide the child...

4. Eternal perspective. As much as I love life, love the people in my life, would (and do) love my child... all these things fade. 1,000 years into eternity it won't matter if I had a dozen children or none. When I was really down, this was something that really helped me to keep my focus.

5. Thankfulness. In the midst of my own selfish heartache of desiring a child, I learned to be thankful for every day, every moment, every heartache...and all the WONDERFUL things I did have in my life. My faith was strengthened as I learned to rely on Jesus for my happiness & not the status of our family to define me. I never felt closer to my Savior than through this trial.

6. Sovereignty. I cannot say enough about God's sovereignty. I am amazed at how he has orchestrated every moment, every detail of my life. There is not a single thing that happened by chance. Praise HIM for knowing what is best! He works all things for good for those who love him. This includes the timing of our pregnancy, the amazing new job I was able to take on (which includes a fabulous boss), friends in my life who had already experienced the heartache of infertility, my OBgyn who I'd seen for years who referred me the best RE there is!)

7. God is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I often reminded myself that the same God who brought me good (a loving husband, a healthy body, a mind that learns, family, friends...) has allowed me to experience trial. He does this because he is good. Because he knows what is good for us. Blessings and trials shape us into who He desires us to be.

8. Not to idolize this child. In recent months we have talked a lot about idolatry at church and all the forms it comes in. I think it would be so incredibly easy for me to idolize this child after praying for him/her for so long and put him/her before the Lord...and there are days where I definitely tend to think more about baby than my role as a Christ follower. Because of infertility though, I easily (or maybe stubbornly) let go of that when I realize I'm doing it. I love this child more than words can express...but once again- he/she is a gift from God...and there are no guarantees I get to keep him/her forever. God gives and God takes away- but HE is the constant.

Anyway, this song, by Meredith Andrews really speaks to me every time it comes on. It is a reminder that God has, is, and always will be walking with me. It makes me reflect back on our journey and fills my heart with thanks for where we are today...just weeks away from meeting our baby!

You were reaching through the storm
walking on the water
even when I could not see
in the middle of it all
when I thought You were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did You forsake me

after all You are constant
after all You are only good
after all You are sovereign
not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

and every step every breath you are there
every tear every cry every prayer
in my hurt at my worst
when my world falls down
not for a moment will You forsake me
even in the dark
even when it's hard
you will never leave me
after all

Infertility sucks. Even 7 months pregnant, I feel infertile some days...like this isn't really happening.  I battled fear a lot after becoming pregnant and it has taken me a long time relax and think about a future with a baby. I still worry about what-ifs...but if there is one thing I learned during our struggle, it was that I have no control over this. God created this life inside me. This baby is not mine, but His.  I just thank God every single day for this growing, healthy child. Sometimes I thank God so often, I'm sure he is telling me, "yea, Jaimee, I got it!" What a blessing it is to be a mommy. I know I will not feel completely great until I meet this little one face to face...but then I'll have a whole new set of worries, right!?