life with three little pretties: Life Experiences- NICU edition...

...I've sat down and thought about writing this post so often, but it has taken me a while to really process the whole experience and collect my thoughts into something intelligible... With the girls' one year birthday just around the corner, I have been thinking a lot about my pregnancy, their birth, and this whole whirlwind of a year and feel the need to finally journal about our NICU stay.

There is so much I want to say and so much on my heart about this "incredible" place called the NICU. It's an incredible place to be in regards the medical miracles that take place on the tiniest of humans. It's also an incredibly difficult place to be emotionally and physically.

I consider our NICU situation to have been "lucky". Or really blessed, I should say. Our girls were born at 33 weeks and 1 day. Which is way too early. However, there were so many babies born earlier than our girls, who were much more sick and had a huge battle to fight...to live. Our sweet little twins were basically "feeders and growers". They needed to learn to control their body temperature, eat, and grow! Things full term babies naturally and instinctively are able to do. Scarlett was able to breath on her own from day one. Hazel, who had marginal cord insertion and probably didn't get a full dose of steroid before birth (that's my medical theory, and since I'm basically a doctor...), had to have help with the cpap machine and then the canula until her lungs matured enough for her to get adequate oxygen on her own. These things are so minor in the world of the NICU, and I totally know that. However, that didn't make the experience any easier.

Our only experience with having a baby, was Grey. From the moment she was born, she was healthy and strong, and never once left our sight in the hospital. I literally followed her down to the nursery when the pediatrician checked her out because I was worried she would get mixed up or kidnapped. Paranoid much, first time mom?

So, for me, having my babies whisked away shortly after being born and not holding them for over 24 hours was agonizingly painful. The magnesium I was on right after their birth left me so loopy and sick, I barely remember a word the doctors (mine or the girls') said. When they wheeled me by their incubators on the way from post-partum back to ante-partum (I started out there and was being watch for my preeclampsia, so I also recovered there) I was scared to death I was going to puke on them and started crying. Thank God for a calm husband who kept it together for us both, and remembered everything said that I couldn't remember or be a part of.

Because our babies should've still been in the womb, they could only be held once a day for the first two weeks, and then twice daily after that. They could only be touched every 3 hours during their "touch" time. This is when we were able to take their temperature and change their diaper. We couldn't pick them up whenever we wanted, couldn't sing or talk too loudly to them, couldn't pat or rub their backs, our friends couldn't hold them or even visit in the NICU. As badly as I wanted to sit and snuggle and nurse my babies all day, just as I had their big sister, I had to constantly remind myself that they shouldn't even be born yet. That they were best off in their little beds, staying warm and growing. Oh, how that hurt my mommy heart. But possibly the worst pain was leaving the hospital without my babies. My doctor was awesome and I was able to stay an extra two days so my blood pressure could be watched (I ended up going home on bp meds because it was so high). I was ready to be home with my big girl, but nothing could prepare me for the emotions I felt driving away from the hospital with parts of my heart left behind. I knew they were in the best place for them, but the anguish and guilt I felt for not being the one to care for my babies 24/7 was overwhelming. I needed to be a mommy to Grey and I really needed to be with my Scarlett and Hazel too. I was so torn.

Those 31 days of going back and forth from hospital, to home, to doctor appts. seem like such a blur now. We were literally doing what we had to do to survive. I lived in 3 hour cycles...nurse, feed, pump, touch times, get home before Grey's bedtime, pack up parts and bags, label milk for the NICU...no lie, it was exhausting- emotionally and physically. Which I guess is par for anyone with a newborn! I had to constantly remind myself that this was not our forever. This was just our little while. And that is now my number one piece of advice for families in the NICU...it's not your forever.

We had been warned that one twin usually comes home before the other and that this would further complicate things. As once one leaves, they cannot come back. So while we were so excited to finally have Scarlett home after 21 days, we were also pulled in a bunch of new directions. Leaving Hazel behind was probably the hardest part of the whole process. Hazel needed me more than ever and I just couldn't be there in the way I needed to be. I had to be home with Scarlett to feed her, be a toddler mommy, and also get milk and love on Hazel. Oh, the guilt.

There is no way we could've survived those 31 long days without our family, friends, and the amazing staff in the NICU. Many of those nurses hold such a dear, dear place in our hearts. They were with our babies when we couldn't be, loving and caring for them. And the nurses that took care of me. Oh, what an incredible profession! (We did have a couple of terrible nurses and that was SO hard when they're the ones your trusting your babies with- thankfully we were able to get the issues cleared up and request our nurses for the remainder of the stay). My mom moved in for the first 2 months and really took charge of Grey, laundry, cooking, and cleaning while we ran back and forth between house and hospital. There is NO WAY we survived without her. Jared's parents were incredible, picking up shifts, bringing us up food between touch times. My sister brought us meals and would go and visit the girls when we couldn't be up there. Our friends were such a support. They texted, called, rode up the hospital, prayed, and encouraged us. One of my best friend's friend, Robyn, reached out to me and she was such a great encouragement, having gone through her own grief and NICU experience with her twin boys. She had advice and wisdom that was so helpful. She was just one of several former NICU mommies that reached out to us. NICU mommas are in a special club (one they never wanted to join) and it meant so much to me to be able to talk and ask questions with someone who had been in that same place.

As always, God used this time to teach us lessons. One HUGE thing I learned after having Grey was that she is not ours. After praying so hard for a child of our own, and going through fertility treatments, when Grey finally arrived, I was filled with so much joy, but also so much anxiety about something happening to her. I could hardly sleep for fear she might die of SIDS. I knew fear was from the devil though (and I really knew I needed sleep). It was late during one of those first few nights that I felt God reminding me that Grey is not ours. She is HIS child. He has already written her entire story. And ours. And just as I had learned through our battle with infertility, GOD IS GOOD. All.The.Time. He goes before us and knows everything that will happen long before we do. He loves my baby more than I can even fathom. He is her creator. God forbid that something happen to her, but if it did, if something bad did happen, it would be okay because I am a child of God. She is a child of God. We can trust in Him and His promises. I took such delight in these truths. In remembering that once again, I am not in control. I could rest.

Then with two new loves, I had to relearn and remind myself of these truths all over again.

My friend Ashley recently wrote about how songs are so therapeutic and just speak to your heart. During my pregnancy and our NICU stay, I listened to the entire Lauren Daigle album over and over again when driving to dr. appts. and then the NICU. There are two songs on there that struck a chord with me and I just loved hearing and singing them each day. There was a lot of anxiety surrounding my entire pregnancy from the moment we found out we were having identical twins. There were so many risks involved, so many scary scenarios. And while our prayer all along had been to carry the girls to 36 weeks and to have ZERO NICU time, that was not God's plan. His plan was better though, not at all what I wanted, but by delivering early, my life and the lives of my babies were spared. I truly believe that God orchestrated every moment of the days leading up to my emergency C-section to protect all of our lives. I am SO, SO thankful for my faith, that I can trust in a God who is always good, no matter what. I pray all my girls know how much our Father loves and adores them, even when things don't go the way we desire.

Trust in You
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

I am Yours

I see Your fingerprints
The work of Your hands
It's all in Your hands
I see the evidence
Leaving nothing to chance
The world's in Your hands

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours

Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

I hear the voice of love
Calling me home
To where I belong
It cripples every fear
And the ones who will kneel
Walk away healed

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I'm Yours
No power is strong enough
To separate me from Your love
I'm Yours

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Even the thunder and the wind obey
At the command of my Father, Father
I set my feet upon Your mighty name
So let the rain fall harder, harder

So take my everything, my flesh and blood
I'll lay me down on the altar, altar
I am forever covered in Your love
So let the rain fall hard

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

There are so many more things, tiny details that will randomly pop up in my memory when I see a certain picture, hear a sound, or smell something that just takes me back to that time...I wouldn't wish the NICU on anyone, but I am grateful for the love my girls and our whole family received while we walked that journey for a month. I'm thankful for the way God uses trials to make us more like Him and deepen our faith.

Our first time to hold the girls. Mommy with Scarlett and daddy with Hazel.

I wanted so badly to lay them next to each other and compare all their tiny features, to see if they really did look identical, but they spent those first 31 days separated. I tried my best to get pictures, but your phones had to be kept in a plastic bag, so all of our pictures were pretty blurry.

Hazel.

Wearing her preemie onesie. So crazy to look back at this.

This was our view for much of that month. Monitors and beeping. Bradys and Apnea alarms. If it wasn't our girls' going off, it was the twins next to us.