Round Two...

...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11

...Infertility. It's a hard thing for me to talk about. I was super private when going through it "round one". Other than a couple of my family members and 2 or so friends, I didn't want to talk about it with anyone else.There are a million reasons why I chose not to share our struggle publicly. And trust me, I KNOW that there were so many caring and understanding people around me who would have supported and prayed specific and much needed prayers...but for some reason, I just couldn't do it...
Infertility is such a lonely place to be. I didn't want people to treat my differently: i.e. Do I invite her to the shower? Can I talk about my baby around her? I didn't want people giving me advice or sharing a story: i.e. My friends brother's daughter's sister also... or Maybe if Jared wore boxers? (Yes, someone really did say that to me), I didn't want to hear opinions from others about ethics and moral beliefs on fertility treatments (especially from  people who have never struggled to get pregnant.)...

Now, here we are, still infertile and ready to expand our family again. We have already tried and waited to see if pregnancy "reset" my hormones, and of course I hoped and prayed that would be the case, but also knew in my heart that if probably wouldn't, despite all the people who said, "don't you worry, I hear it's always easier the second time!" Oh goodness, if only it were that simple for us. PCOS is still prevalent and I am still anovulatory.

I've been blogging about our process for "round 2", not entirely sure whether I would post and share or not. As I said, this is a very hard thing for me to talk about. And while going through it again is easier is some ways, it's also every bit as difficult- knowing we're in a situation we have no control over, a time that should be personal and private that is shared with doctors and nurses, pills and needles for the girl who hates taking medicine, the monthly hope and disappointment that comes with pregnancy tests. BUT we are also SO incredibly thankful for infertility, for the way it strengthened/strengthens our marriage, deepened/deepens our relationship with Christ, and brought us our little girl/may bring us another. We know God has a plan for our family. We are SO blessed to already be parents, and if we get to do this again, it's just icing on the cake (as a dear friend recently said). It has never been a "we'll be okay if we just have Grey". Just Grey. Having "just Grey" is more than we could have ever hoped or imagined! If she is our only little miracle baby, she will be quite the spoiled little thing, and we're just fine with that! : )

After much thought and prayer, I have decided to share our journey, for a couple reasons. I like documenting exactly where we are and what I'm feeling with each step of the process. An even bigger reason is that I found so much comfort in reading other blogs about women going through similar situations the first time. I have made "blog" friends and been able to share with ladies I would never have otherwise. I found so much encouragement in their stories, many of whom I pray for regularly.

So, with complete vulnerability, here is what we've been up to the last couple months in the baby making department:

...Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
We went back to Dr. Rodriquez today. I called on Monday thinking it would take a month or so to get in (as it had the first time we went). I was surprised that they said they had an opening on Wednesday! So off we went. I don't know how long it will take to get pregnant this time. If we'll get pregnant at all. But I have been off the mini-pill for a month and completely stopped breastfeeding 3 weeks ago. I have been doing weekly acupuncture, temping, serious Paleo eating, and taking tons of supplements (vitex, Pregnitude, and vitamins galore) for weeks in hopes that I would ovulate on my own. HA! No signs of ovulation, but definitely similar PCOS symptoms that I have had before are returning. We don't want to wait long to try again because 1. We love being parents and would like our kids as close in age as possible (I mean, we're not getting any younger), and 2. I don't want my symptoms to get too out of control, like they did last time before I was diagnosed.

Going back to the RE was a little emotional, but it was honestly like a family reunion. We cried with the nurse as she told us stories of recent patients and how her and Dr. Rod had prayed for them. We showed off pictures of Grey. And then we got down to business. I had no idea what to expect as far as timeline and diagnostics...but it looks as if we will do updated blood work and check hormone levels and thyroid, as well as, do a saline sono to make sure the placenta left no scar tissue in my uterus. I am DREADING the sono. It was so incredibly painful the first time, and I cried and let out a bad word. Or two. Plus it was the April day in 2012 when all the tornadoes came through and we had to restart the procedure 3 times, as we kept having to go to the hospital basement. For me, the pain was worse than labor. I told Jared beforehand that that was the only thing I didn't want to have to do again. After those things are done, we will likely do a similar treatment (ovulation induction with Letrezole and Bravelle injections, then an IUI), although we did discuss going straight to IVF this time too. We are praying about it all.

My biggest prayers right now are: 1. That all my blood work looks good (nothing concerning other than the typical PCOS stuff...I already prayed PCOS would just go away, but that obviously isn't going to be a prayer God says yes to), 2. That we are able to get pregnant again and that it happens quickly, 3. Protection from miscarriage (women with PCOS have a 50% higher miscarriage rate than women without), and most importantly 4. Peace with God's perfect plan and that we will be content and thankful no matter what the outcome.

We are already so blessed and I am so thankful for Grey. If she is the only child we have, or God puts the desire for adoption in our hearts, I am okay with that. I sometimes feel a little selfish even wanting another child- knowing how much we prayed for Grey and knowing that getting pregnant is not a natural thing for us.

...Thursday, April 24th, 2014
I had my first round of blood work and 3 day sono (although it's not really day 3 of anything) today. They had me wait another week and a half to make sure I didn't start a cycle on my own. Of course, I didn't. I've temped and paid close attention to things like my CM, but everything is status quo. So off to the RE I went. My ovaries still look all PCOS-y like, but there were no cysts and my lining was thin. Depending on the results of blood work, Nurse Linda said she thinks they will do my saline sono next week, put me back on the pill, and then start treatment at the end of the month.

...Monday, May 5th, 2014
Last Thursday I had the saline sono. Nurse Linda said it wouldn't hurt this time because my uterus has already been stretched and my cervix already dilated. I rolled my eyes smiled at her and nodded. Well, what do ya know, nurses are smart cookies- It didn't hurt at all this time (just like a pap-smear)! I did have some light cramping and gas that afternoon and evening, but totally doable compared to my last experience. More importantly, my uterus looks good, so that is a praise!! Today I had my fasting blood work to look at my insulin resistance and a full thyroid panel, as my first round of blood work had some elevated levels in both of these areas.  I'm praying all comes back normal and also praying for clear tubes when I have my HSG in 3 weeks. Since we have decided not to do IVF for now, we do have to do the HSG. So, it's just taking BC and waiting...I forgot how much I dislike the waiting part. But it's oh-so-much easier this time since I have a cute little toddling girl to occupy my heart and mind!

More updates to come!